Life...

Life is an unknown journey that we must embrace and fully experience knowing that most of the excitement lies in the complexities and unanswered questions. At times it may appear as though you've been dealt the wrong hand. You may find yourself in a difficult situation wondering why you were put there and how in the hell to claw your way out. At times such as these we find ourselves questioning our choices, our circumstances, and sometimes even God himself. Wondering why bad things happen to good people.

I myself know all too well this story of self discovery and if you are lucky, such as I was, the realization that peace and understanding can come out of the most hurtful of circumstances. Just the other day I was once again put to the test of strength, courage, and faith, and as happens with all of us for a moment I faltered. My elder sister, Jordan, who suffers from a mental disability known as Austism cut herself. Leaving my parents and I once again to attempt to unscramble the pieces of an all too familiar puzzle. It would be easy to say that after a little over six years dealing with these things that I have grown used to these 'episodes' and while to a certain extent that rings true, how does one ever truly get used to that idea? Especially when with acceptance of that idea means acknowledging that you are helpless, and acknowledging that you are helpless feels like surrenduring to a disease you can neither understand nor control.

It is human nature to grieve and to allow from that grief a level of understanding to sweep over you. Perhaps you will understand, as I have, that some mysteries aren't meant to be solved and that sometimes the only thing you can do for someone is to love them completely and unconditionally.

I would be lying if I told you that this journey is easy, for the struggles I have faced weigh a bit on my heart, but without pain and heartache would love and laughter be the great gifts that they are? I'm not saying that I have all the answers, in fact I have more questions and uncertainties than I will ever produce answers for, but if life has taught me anything its that you and you alone are meant to decide who you are.

I have no idea what compelled me to write this piece, perhaps just feelings I have bottled inside looking for a way to escape, either way to anyone who may read this I hope it can help you in some small way...writing it helped me!

I love you, Dad =)

I would like to start off this particular blog by saying HAPPY FATHERS DAY to EVERY father out there! I happen to have a great Dad who I love VERY much and he is the inspiration behind this particular blog actually...which is Fathers! Are you ready? Let's get started.

When you are a little kid your father seems like this impossibly big and strong guy. He is a giant in your eyes because he is a giant in your heart. But as we get older we lose touch with certain childish things like believing in Santa, the tooth fairy, or the Easter Bunny. But more often than not during this crucial process of growing up we find that we grow apart. The hero version of our Dad's vanish and are replaced with reality. But if we are lucky we still retain enough childhood memories of bedtime stories and scared away monsters that our fathers still hold some mystique in our eyes, and if you are really lucky maybe you can see the reality of who your father is and still call him your hero, like I do. Father's play a very important role in a girl's life. They are the basis for which we grow up assuming all men should be. They are our goggles through which we see the world of men. So we could all only hope to have a good example to guide us through the ups and downs of our future endeavors in that field. Though no father wants his 'little' girl to grow up and be 'taken away' by a guy, who (as we have all been told time and time again) has only one thing on his mind, if he has a mind at all that is, they all wish for happiness for their daughters, knowing that no matter how badly they wish for it time will not stand still and wait for them to play catch up.

Fathers are complex creatures to children. They make perfect sense and no sense at all at the same time. They baffle us...why? Because we aren't fathers. We have no idea what it is like to hold a child that is no bigger than the length of your arm and know with absolute certainty that their future lies in your hands. That you and you alone can be their father and that it is up to you to teach them the ways of the world. Can you imagine the pressure that the job title of father entails? In reality have you ever even thought about it? I'll be the first to admit that I take the people in my life for granted from time to time. I try my hardest not to, but inevitably time passes and I forget and fall into that pattern of neglect once again. But when I'm not taking things for granted, when I truly look at things, I can see everything that this man has done for me in my life and I am honestly grateful. That is the only word that comes close to describing it. I'm grateful.

When I was born I had colic. Colic is a kind of sickness that babies sometimes come down with. I was one such baby, and I was loud. I cried and cried all though the night, the ONLY time I would even contemplate silent, uninterrupted sleep is when my father would come in, take me from my crib and walk around the house with me swaddled in his arms. He likes to joke I was a Daddy's girl from birth, funny thing is he is right. (I feel like this is a good time to cut in and state that I absolutely adore my Mom as well, we are like best friends and she means the world to me, just wanted to clarify that.) Whether it arose from sheer curiosity or perhaps it was my older brothers wish for a younger brother as I child I gravitated toward the more tom-boyish side of life. I wasn't your pink tutu wearing, barbie loving, little kid. I was the one outside playing football and maybe that is why my father was always someone of such keen interest to me, because I fit in more with 'his' world than I did anywhere else.

My father has these incredible stories from growing up with seven brothers and sisters. Crazy stories, funny stories, scary stories, and just plain creepy stories, and I have heard all of them one hundred billion times and I'm sure to hear them one hundred billion more in my lifetime, but funny thing is I don't mind it. It's like watching one of my favorite movies over and over again, sure eventually I've memorized all the lines by heart, but I still enjoy noticing something new with each beginning. I still enjoy imagining my father as this young guy, barely 18 and traveling the United States, carefree and wild, taking risks and living life like there is no tomorrow. I guess its interesting imagining him like that, since he is so 'domesticated' now. He's the guy who goes fishing in the middle of the week. The one who will drop everything to play dominoes with me. The guy who went to watch a chick flick in theaters with me for no reason at all except I wanted him to, even though he hates chick flicks and as soon as it ended rushed me out of the theater because "I don't wanna be seen leaving this movie."

One of my favorite childhood memories of my father is when I was in second grade, it was just a normal week day nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, except my Dad wanted to make it special to me. He took me out of class early that day and we went to Chuck e Cheese. We played games, ate pizza, and just hung out. I remember this day so distinctly because it was just the two of us. And growing up the youngest of four kids, just the two of us didn't happen very often. But my Dad made it a point to show me that he cared, even if it was only a day at Chuck e Cheese it meant the world to me. Silly as it may sound it's simple things like that that makes him one of my heroes today.

I think I've rambled on enough for one day, so I'll just finish this blog with a poem I wrote for my Dad earlier today, hope everyone enjoys it! Here it is!

What is a Father?

Father
What does that word entail?
Is it simply a creator
The reason by which we are here?

Or is it someone much greater
Meant to guide us through all our years?

The answer to that question is simple
If you know where to look
In this instance into the mind of a child
It spells out the essential ingredients just like a book

A protector to scare all my monsters away
A savior to get me through the dark days
A magician to fix what seems broken beyond repair
A doctor when I get hurt who cares

A comedian to make me laugh and shout
A cleaner to get all my stains out
A master chef to prepare all my meals
A judge when I step foot outside in my heels

An ally against a common enemy
A solider who always protects me
A master storyteller who whisks me away
A fun ride on which I constantly play

So what is a father in the end?
Why he is a hero and a best friend.


Okay so that's my blog for the day! Hope you enjoyed this special 'Father's Day' installment! Do you have a favorite memory with your Dad? A simple gesture that maybe to nobody else would seem extraordinary but to you, it made you so happy? If so I'd love to hear it =) Until I blog again...see ya!

Sports..."Watch out kid they'll break your heart."

In the world of sports you will notice there are three kinds of fans. Type one is the casual observer, they enjoy cheering along with everyone when their 'team' is winning, but really would walk away with the same attitude if the game turned the other way. Type two is the 'fair weather' fan. These are the ones you never want rooting for your team because they are temporarily, transient, gone the instant a bad play threatens the game. Or a bad game threatens the season. And type three are the dedicated fans. The ones that stick by their team through thick and thin, win or lose they proudly exclaim that is THEIR team. And they wouldn't have it any other way.

I am one of those dedicated fans. And my team, the one that I can't imagine not cheering for is the Florida State Seminoles. I'm one of those kids who was born and raised to be one of these die hard fans. Ever since birth it has been embedded into my brain. But I can still recall the exact moment that I truly became a Seminole, the moment I let that team steal my heart. I was in sixth grade and was dealing with some untrue friends when I sat down and watched my first football game. I don't recall the opponent or the end result but I do recall the undeniable feeling of excitement as I sat on the couch next to my parents and we cheered in unison for a shared passion, a shared love. It was on that day, in that moment, that I had reached the 'point of no return'. Afterwards I became an avid fan, I read every newspaper clipping and magazine article, I watched every game, I kept up with players stats, and thus an obsession was born.

When I became a fan of the Seminoles, there was no warning, no disclaimer. I got no whispered secret message like, "Watch out kid they'll break your heart." though time and time again that particular mantra has proven true. But when you open your heart up to loving something as out of your control as a team you always take the risk that at some point in time they will break your heart. They will make mistakes and lose a game they should have won. They will have off days when you question if their heart is in it as much as yours. They will fail. But as inevitably as those things will happen, so will victory in the face of defeat. Incredible comebacks that leave you breathless, plays that make you wonder if your eyes have deceived you, and the happiness that comes from knowing that YOUR team just won.

One of the most interesting things about sports though is their ability to unify people. To bring them together. For example whenever I step out of the tunnel into the stadium where my Seminole football team plays (Doak Campbell Stadium) and I see 84,000 other fans who are there for the same reason I am and I feel like we are united in a way. We share a common goal, a common passion, a common love. Honestly stepping into that stadium each Fall feels like going home in a way. To a different family that I haven't seen in a while, but that is always there, waiting until the next time our paths cross and our team suits up, walks out onto that field and plays.

You know that cheesy little saying, the one where people say, "It's not just a game it's a way of life." Well cheesy or not it applies in this case. Where I come from, where I grew up, and most importantly in my heart when my team plays it isn't just a game, it IS a way of life. At the end of the day win or lose I will proudly yell from the rooftops I AM a SEMINOLE. Why? Because something about that team, that group of people, won my heart and I know with absolute certainty I'm never going to get it back. And really even if I could change how I feel about them I wouldn't because being a fan of this team has taught me so much. I learned the importance of hard work and dedication. I learned about sportsmanship, conduct, fairness, heartache, sacrifice, and teamwork. But one of the most important things loving this team has given me is a hero. Someone I look up to as one of the greatest human beings on the history of the planet. His name is Bobby Bowden and he will forever hold a special place in my heart.

So now that I have bored you to death with my love and dedication to my team, I want to hear about your team and when you 'fell in love' with them...please, I'll give you a cookie! (or maybe even THE Cookie! lol)

P.S. I'm a little tired right now so if this makes no sense at all to you and is just random babbling...sorry! =)

Smiles...the doors to the soul?

Okay this is my first blog so if it completely sucks then I am terrribly sorry, but I sincerely hope it does NOT suck and that you enjoy what you are about to read.

My entire life I have always heard that saying, you know the one about how 'the eyes are the windows to the soul', and I in general always agreed. People's eyes have a way of telling you more about a person than they will actually verbally disclose. But what about a smile? If the eyes are the window is it possible that the smile could be the door? Perhaps it is only I who's mind has ventured down that unknown road filled with wrinkle lines of laughter. But you always hear people state things such as: what a beautiful smile, oh such pretty teeth, but never your smile just shows me how great a person you are. Why is that? Is it possible that a smile is just a mask we wear to hide our true feelings, or as I believe, do we have several smiles, each showing people a different and unique part of who we truly are.

I apologize if I appear to get philisophical, for that tends to happen to me when I write. But if you bear with me for a bit longer maybe you will understand just what I am trying to say. There are two people on this earth whom posess certain qualities I find both admirable and completely awe worthy. These two people also happen to be to owners of the most beautiful and telling smiles I have ever laid eyes on. They go by the names; Danny Gokey and David Cook. Have you ever heard of them, seen them? If not the remainder of my blog may just appear to be random physco babble from an overly obsessed fan, looking for examples to back up my insane theory. Of course if you have, it may still appear that way regardless.

Back to the subject(s) of this blog though. I will start off with David Cook, since he did make his mark on my heart and my ears first. David Cook was first introduced to me at the initial stage of the hit Fox show, American Idol. For his audition he sang 'Living on a Prayer' by Bon Jovi. Many months and votes later, he ended up becoming the winner. I guess somewhere inbetween then and now is where my story takes place. I am going to attempt to make a long story short and save the rest for my blog on Cookie himself. Basically he fits into my theory because his smile is beautiful. Beyond beautiful it is gorgeous. And if there is anything beyond that it qualifies as well. But his smile isn't just amazing, it is insightful, which is where my theory comes into play. David Cook is one of those people who definately applies to the saying 'more than meets the eye'. When you first look at him what do you see? A really cute guy who knows how to sing. Sure thats him, but is that all there is to him? No, he has one of the most incredible hearts I have ever seen a human being have. He is strong, brave, courageous, and would never agree if you sugggested it to him. I truly belive he is a gift from God, and his eyes didn't give me that insight...his smile did.

The next subject of my blog, Danny Gokey, was discovered for me the same way. He caught my heart before he ever sang, with his incredible story of strength and survival. I remember so clearly sitting on the couch praying, literally, that he could sing. And when he opened his mouth and belted out 'I Heard it Through the Grape Vine' relief swept over me. I decided he was definately a favorite. Once again months passed and votes were cast, and he ended up coming in third place (he should have won!). I could go on for hours, days, weeks, months, years even perhaps informing you of all the reasons I am convinced that Danny Gokey is one of the greatest guys I have ever had the privledge of saying that I am a fan of. But just like in the case of Cookie, that is a blog for another day! Smiles being the doors to the soul is my current subject. And in the case of Danny Gokey this is also certainly true. When he smiles I can so clearly and perfectly see the kind and generous person he is. His eyes squint up and joy lights up his face, it is one of the most adorable sights I have ever seen. I believe he smiles with his heart, and that makes all the difference.

I'm not sure if I have convinced anyone that my theory holds true, or even really if that made any sense at all. Maybe I just wanted an excuse to write about two of my favorite guys on the planet, but if that is true, can you blame me? Regardless of whether or not it was true, random, psychotic, or just plain odd, I hope it entertained you! Until I blog again I will leave you with a quote I love...

"About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all." ~Rita Mae Brown